I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
