Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
