his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
3 2 1 whiskey
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
