Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
