IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
