please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
