just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
