How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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