I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
