How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
