What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
