dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She has the best kind of daddy issues
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
