I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
