My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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