I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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