How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
