and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
