I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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