as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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