I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
