Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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