if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
