I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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