He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
