One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
