what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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