chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
