Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ladies don't puke and tell
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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