He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
