Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
