Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
