Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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