After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
