Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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