i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
