Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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