i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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