I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
