you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
