remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
