I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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