look no pants
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
there was a trapeze. enough said
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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