So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
