There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Panties = found
tell me about the eggs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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