rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I need a burrito and a hug.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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