I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
