Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
