I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
