paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
