Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
