turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
