I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
