TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
