Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
