Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
