Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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