the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
