On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
